I'm on the path of healing. There's a difference, you see. I'm fighting my darkness, I'm engaging with it, I'm seeking help, I'm seeking understanding. I am not letting it rule my life.
I could be on the path of destruction, letting it overtake me. Not trying to deal with it, not trying to be free of it, giving up and saying "this is just how it's gonna be". And letting it ruin my life.
That's how it was for many years. Just trying to survive. Pretend it wasn't there, pretend that everything was Ok, that I was Ok. I've been on that path.
But I am not anymore.
At any point along the journey, the crossroad is available to me. But early on, I knew that the only way out of this was through it, not around it. It was too large to detour around. And so I keep going, fighting to stay the course, despite how the odds are against me, despite how difficult and exhausting and frustrating and disheartening the journey.
The true insight I want to convey is that it is a path, a journey, a process, not a one-time decision. It is not clear-cut, and I'm not always sure if I'm really moving forward. But every fight, every expression of my experiences, every validation of my pain, it is all a step forward toward healing. I just can't give up.
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